To my lovely followers…
You may have noticed my extended absence from Tumblr and Twitter lately. It’s been… kind of insane here, and I kind of fell off the grid for while. I had to get away from things to mentally and emotionally recover.
It started just before Thanksgiving. My mom collapsed at work and was rushed to the ER. After meeting with a specialist, it was discovered that she has Cardiomyopathy, a life-threatening heart condition. Basically, her heart muscle is weakening drastically, making it hard for it to pump her blood to the rest of her body. I lost my dad when I was 8, so I took it incredibly hard. My mom is my best friend. I can’t lose her, too.
Then my uncle finally lost his long battle with cancer the day after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving had always been a rough time of year for us because my dad died two days before Thanksgiving in 1998. Now, it’s three times worse for me because not only did I lose my dad around Thanksgiving, but I also lost my uncle and my mom was diagnosed with a serious heart condition. I have trouble finding things to be thankful for around that time of year.
The stress of all that and the fact that I was starting a brand new job at the same time was just too much for me to handle. I had an emotional breakdown. I’m the type of person who will bottle my emotions up inside me until I break. I try not to, but I just can’t help it sometimes. And I was trying to hold it together in front of my mom, which she later “yelled” at me for doing. But I was just trying to not make it even more stressful on her. So I broke. And I ended up hurting people. People I care about. People who shouldn’t have to be hurt just because I’m having a difficult time of things. And that made me hate myself even more.
The last two months have been hell. I brought in the new year in a hospital room, sitting next to my mother as she lay in that damn bed. I felt so helpless. I still feel helpless. On December 29, 2011, she was admitted to the hospital once again to run a few more tests because her current medication wasn’t doing what it was supposed to be doing. There’s no cure for Cardiomyopathy. All they can do is stop it from getting worse. But her meds weren’t doing that. So they said that there was just once more option before they put her on the list to receive a heart (and possibly lung) transplant.
That was the second time I lost it.
Luckily, her newest regimen seems to be helping a lot. She actually went back to work yesterday. She hadn’t been to work since she first collapsed right before Thanksgiving. I know she was going crazy just sitting around the house all day, but she was too weak to work all day before. Now, she’s working again. Still taking it slow with only half days (thank goodness), but it’s progress. I can see the improvement in her energy levels and she has her apatite back. I’m still worried and I will still be worried from here on out, but it looks like she’s getting back to herself. At least, I’m hoping beyond hope that she’s getting back to herself.
I want to take a moment to apologize to all those that I may have hurt, knowingly or unknowingly, during this tumultuous time in my life. I know that it’s not fair that others were hurt because of this and for that, I am truly sorry. And I want all of you who showed your concern in my absence to know that I wasn’t ignoring you; I just didn’t see your messages/tweets until very recently.
There is actually still more going on around here that I just don’t want to discuss right now, especially in such a public forum. So even though things with my mom are improving, I still don’t see myself fully returning to Tumblr/Twitter any time soon. I need a break from both forums. I can’t explain why. I’m not even sure why myself. I just know that I need a break. I don’t know when or even if I will return.
Thank you for all the support and the concerned “where are you?” messages/tweets I received. It’s nice to know that people do actually miss you when you’re gone.
Take care and God bless,
♥ Lauren (aka iwillbeyourpenguin)
